Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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