Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
