Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
