When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
