I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
