if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
