Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
