If i come over, it means nothing
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
