a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Randomize
