my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
