Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I need a hoe opinion
go on
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
