i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
