I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Im part way to drunk.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
