i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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