I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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