I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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