Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover