thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.