Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
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You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.