i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is