I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.