"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
