____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
