so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
