Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
