Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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