Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
