I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
