he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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