2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
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