if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
