apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
