i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
