Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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