Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
