I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
