Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
