had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
