Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
