I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
