the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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