u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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