Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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