First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
