my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
