i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I could make wine with my vomit
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
