I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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