is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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