Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
