When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
