Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When did angry sex become our thing?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
