I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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