I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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