I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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