If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
