No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
