I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
