just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
