I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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