it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
