i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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