I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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