I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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