just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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