Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
