my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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