Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
